Anyone of a certain age who is even tangentially familiar with rock music knows that, for a time, “Rolling Stone” magazine was almost the foremost expert on all things involving the genre.
In recent decades, however, the once-proud music mag has devolved into hipster drivel, and nowhere is that more evident than in their ranking lists.
From their infamous “250 Greatest Guitarists of All-Time” (in which they ranked Joni Mitchell and someone named Sister Rosetta Tharpe over Tony Iommi and Eric Clapton) to the perplexing “500 Greatest Albums of All-Time,” the fine folks over at “Rolling Stone” have released some stinkers, opting to let their contrarian opinions and eye-rollingly leftist leanings color their rankings.
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English guitarist Eric Clapton performs on stage in 1975. (Michael Putland/Getty Images)
“Greatest” is a subjective term, especially when it comes to music, but when large swathes of the entire internet take exception to your rankings, you might have to reevaluate some things.
On that note, it looks like “Rolling Stone” has released yet another God-awful list, this time in the form of “The 200 Greatest Rock Songs of The 21st Century So Far.”
I’ll be frank with you, I don’t really hold a lot of 21st century rock in high regard.
I’m a child of the ’90s, but my musical tastes predate someone of my birth year by a good two decades, consisting mainly of rock and metal acts from the 1970s, ’80s, and ’90s.
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Rock musicians Sammy Hagar and Eddie Van Halen (1955 – 2020), both of the group Van Halen, performs onstage at the Rosemont Horizon, Rosemont, Illinois, March 15, 1986. (Photo by Paul Natkin/Getty Images) (Paul Natkin/Getty Images)
Even then, I can admit that there is plenty of great rock to be found on this side of the year 2000, but “Rolling Stone’s” list eschews most of that to try and cobble together this eclectic ranking to boost their street cred with all the gender-fluid dorks from Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn (aka, the only people still reading “Rolling Stone”).
Let’s start at the top and see what they selected as the “greatest” rock song of the 21st century.
“Maps” by the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s. Are we serious here?
If your response is, “Who the hell are the Yeah Yeah Yeahs?” congrats, you’re not alone.
The only reason I know this song, unfortunately, is because I used to watch Fuse TV in the early 2000s and this boring, monotonous song and accompanying music video would interrupt all the fun pop-punk acts I actually wanted to see, but I digress.
This song taking the top spot is just a harbinger of things to come, so sit back as I regale you with some of the more egregious placements and omissions on this list.
For starters, I think “Rolling Stone” needs to reevaluate what the word “rock” means, because there are some musical acts dotting the upper spots of this ranking that probably shouldn’t even be on here at all.
Would any of you make a rock playlist and add Lana Del Rey, Jay-Z, MGMT, Taylor Swift, and/or Lady Gaga to it?
Matthew Taplinger/CBS via Getty Images (Matthew Taplinger/CBS via Getty Images)
If you answered “yes,” then congratulations! You’re either certifiably insane or you write for “Rolling Stone” (and those two things aren’t exactly mutually exclusive).
Some of the songs that got shafted by whoever wrote this list are staggering.
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“The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World is in the top-25, and deservedly so, but one of the pop-punk anthems of the early aughts is ranked lower than such “classics” as Geese’s “Getting Killed,” Mitski’s “Your Best American Girl,” and “Night Shift” by Lucy Dacus.
If I gathered 100 random people off the street and asked them if they knew any of those three songs, I bet the hit rate would be about 3%.
What does “Rolling Stone” mean when they say “greatest?”
Because if you ask me, how iconic a song is in the cultural zeitgeist as well as its crossover appeal and impact on pop culture should be taken into account.
I guess you really can’t overstate just how impactful Mitski was on the rock scene in the early 2020s, can you?
Some more head-scratchers include Queens of the Stone Age’s “No One Knows” coming in at a robust 36, three spots behind Slater-Kinney’s “Entertain.”
Man, when I think of rock, I would definitely pick Slater-Kinney over one of the best alternative acts of the 2000s!
System of a Down’s “Chop Suey” also misses the top-25 entirely, as does Panic! At The Disco’s “I Write Sins Not Tragedies.”
Blink-182 is almost completely unrepresented on this list, and their highest-ranked entry, “Rock Show,” failed to even crack the top-50.
I can’t think of five rock bands from the 21st century who had more of an impact on music than Blink-182, yet here we are.
COACHELLA VALLEY, CA – APRIL 14: Mark Hoppus of Blink 182 performs at Coachella on Friday, April 14, 2023 in Coachella Valley, CA. (Dania Maxwell / Los Angeles Times via Getty Images). (Dania Maxwell / Los Angeles Times via Getty Images)
Others were similarly shafted (Velvet Revolver, Sum 41), but the list did get a few right.
The Strokes’ “Last Nite” was included in the top-10 (although their 2003 classic “Reptilia” was still too low for my liking) and the song that just missed the top spot was none other than “Seven Nation Army” by White Stripes, a very deserving song to include in the top-five.
You can read the entire list for yourself, but suffice to say if you’re a fan of traditional rock music — or things that make sense in general — you’re probably going to need to take some blood pressure medication ahead of time.
Then again, as my colleague and fellow metal-head Matt Reigle pointed out, “Rolling Stone” is likely doing this just to get a rise out of old heads like us.
“What the f—? ’99 Problems’ is in the top-ten?”
Yes, “Rolling Stone,” you’ve done your job. I fell for your rage bait hook, line and sinker.
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Just know that the rock community at large is laughing at you, not with you.