DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I came clean to my husband about my drunken one-night stand, the last thing I expected was for him to admit to an affair with our friend’s daughter.
While I’d always suspected he’d been unfaithful, never in my wildest dreams did I think he could stoop that low.
I’m 45, he’s 48 and we’ve been together for more than 17 years. Our relationship started off happy, but over time things have become bitter.
I’ve tried for years to work on things between us, but my husband is barely around and is in complete denial about our issues.
He always says I’m being ridiculous, but our sex life is non-existent, and I often question if he’s even attracted to me at all any more.
I’d suspected he’d been cheating on me for a while, but I had no definitive proof and he’d always gaslight me when I caught him out in his lies.
My self-esteem was at an all-time low, so when a younger attractive man hit on me while I was out for a friend’s birthday party, I decided to let myself go.
I woke up the next morning completely mortified, and the guilt was eating me alive.
As soon as I got home I told my husband but, instead of being upset, he confessed he’d been sleeping with our close friend’s 25-year-old daughter.
I couldn’t believe my ears.
A normal fling I could have dealt with, but having sex with someone young enough to be his daughter made me feel sick to my stomach.
Where do we even go from here?
DEIDRE SAYS: Neither of you are innocent here, but rather than facing the issues in your marriage, you’ve both sought validation elsewhere – and that never ends well.
It sounds like things have been deteriorating for a while. A lack of intimacy, poor communication and gaslighting are all signs of emotional disconnection and resentment.
The fact your husband is now involved with someone so much younger and connected to your social circle only adds insult to injury and shows a deep disregard for your feelings.
Ask yourself what you truly want. Do you want to keep fighting for this relationship, or is it time to walk away?
A relationship counsellor could help you. Contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).
My support pack Cheating, Can You Get Over It? will also help.
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WIFE PREFERS SEX TOYS TO ME
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife refuses to have sex with me but has no problem using sex toys on her own in secret.
I’ve tried hard to reignite the spark between us, but I’m constantly left feeling inadequate, and can’t understand why she doesn’t want me any more.
I’m 34, my wife is 31, and we’ve been together for five years.
Our sex life used to be electric, and at times we’d struggle to keep our hands off of each other, but over the last year our intimacy has fallen off a cliff.
At first, I thought it was a temporary phase, but after all my efforts with thoughtful gifts, surprise dates and romantic getaways, my wife still doesn’t want to touch me.
I started to suspect she may be cheating on me, but then I found a stash of secret sex toys hidden inside her bedside drawer.
Suddenly it all started to make sense – her sneaking off for hours at a time, making excuses to go to bed early and being secretive with her phone.
Now, I can’t decide what’s worse. Her choosing another man over me, or a vibrating toy. I’ve been too ashamed to admit that I know, and I’m feeling so down about it. Why am I not enough for her?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s understandable you feel hurt and rejected. Your wife’s withdrawal, paired with her secret use of sex toys, isn’t just confusing – it feels like a personal rejection.
However, it’s not about the toys themselves, it’s what they represent – a desire she’s no longer sharing with you.
Rather than blame yourself, try to see this as a sign that something deeper may be going on. Open a calm, honest conversation and tell her how you’ve been feeling.
If she’s willing, couples therapy can help. Contact relate.org.uk (01905 28051).
My support pack Saving Your Sex Life will also help you reconnect.
WHY HAS SHE IGNORED MY AGONY OVER LOSING MUM?
DEAR DEIDRE: EVER since my mother died, everyone in our family has rallied round me – except my daughter-in-law’s mother.
I’ve always known deep down she had disdain for me, but in my lowest moments, she couldn’t even show me any kind of empathy.
I’m 56, she’s 59 and we’ve been in each other’s lives for the past six years since our children got married.
We both have very close families and have been around each other a lot since our kids welcomed our grandson.
A few weeks ago my mum unexpectedly passed away and it hit me hard. Everyone in the family – including her husband – has sent me their condolences, except for her.
Even when I saw her in the flesh, she didn’t even ask how I was doing.
I can’t understand what I’ve done so wrong. Why is she so cold with me?
DEIDRE SAYS: Grief is hard enough without added hurt from those around you. It’s understandable you feel wounded by your daughter-in-law’s mother’s silence, but her lack of empathy says more about her than you.
Try not to dwell on what you might have done wrong. It’s likely you may never get the answers. Focus on the love and support you have received, and allow yourself space to grieve without worrying about what she thinks.
My support pack, Coping With Bereavement, will help you navigate this tough time.
FEAR DAD WILL FIND INTIMATE PHOTOS
DEAR DEIDRE: MY dad has started using my old laptop, and I’m worried sick about what he may find on it.
I used to keep a stash of raunchy pictures of my ex, and I don’t know how to delete them without raising suspicion.
I’m a 28-year-old man, and my dad is 64.
When I moved out a couple of years ago, I left my old laptop at home. I didn’t think twice about it until I came home and saw my dad was using it.
He said his had broken, and he assumed I wouldn’t mind him using mine until he got a new one.
Luckily, he hasn’t discovered my old stash of photos yet, but I fear it’s only a matter of time.
I’m so anxious about it, but I don’t know how to delete them without causing an issue.
The anxiety is keeping me up at night.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s totally understandable you’re feeling anxious. The thought of your dad stumbling across something so personal is enough to make anyone squirm.
The longer you wait to sort this, the more likely it is he’ll find something by accident.
Perhaps you could casually offer to “tidy up” the laptop for him – maybe under the guise of speeding it up or clearing it of old files?
That way, you can quietly delete the stash without raising eyebrows.
A bit of quick action now will save a lot of awkwardness later.