DEAR DEIDRE: I AM being blackmailed for sex by my girlfriend’s daughter.
She has made it clear that if I don’t sleep with her, she’ll tell her mum that I was inappropriate with her.
What should I do?
I’m a 43-year-old man, and I have been in a relationship with a lovely 46-year-old woman for six months.
She has a daughter, who is 22, and still lives at home.
When I first started staying over at my girlfriend’s house, I noticed that her daughter was always a bit flirty with me — especially when her mum was out of the room.
She’s a beautiful woman, with a great figure, and she would lie on the sofa, showing her legs off, or accidentally on purpose showing me her cleavage.
I tried to ignore it out of respect for her mum, who I care about, and because she is young enough to be my daughter.
I haven’t said anything to my girlfriend because I didn’t want to cause trouble. Last weekend, my girlfriend wasn’t feeling well, so she went to bed early.
I said I would finish watching a film before I joined her.
When I was in the middle of it, her daughter arrived home. She was tipsy, and came and sat right beside me on the sofa.
Then she started touching my leg and asked me to kiss her.
I said, “No way!” and jumped away from her. She told me she had always fantasised about being with an older man, and knew that I wanted her too.
I said she was drunk and that I was going up to bed.
But the next day, she messaged me, saying if I didn’t agree to have sex with her she would tell her mum I had tried to touch her.
Now I am terrified of what might happen if I don’t go through with it.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your girlfriend’s daughter sounds immature and out of control. Perhaps she resents you taking her mum’s attention away from her, or is upset about her parents’ break-up.
Whatever the reason, she needs to know that she can’t behave like this.
You have to tell your girlfriend what’s been going on before her daughter lies to her and causes bigger problems.
It won’t be an easy conversation to have, but if she trusts you, she should hopefully believe you.
Her daughter’s behaviour may not come as a surprise to her either. Keep the message she sent you in case you need evidence.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to have this difficult conversation. It might also help you to talk to her daughter, if you choose to do that.
Perhaps it would be wise to keep out of the daughter’s way from now on, and not allow yourself to be alone with her.
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THANK YOU FOR… HELPING ME PUSH ASIDE JEALOUSY
DEAR DEIDRE: WATCHING a movie in which a young man had a fling with his older married neighbour stirred up jealous feelings in me – so I wrote for help.
More than 30 years ago, before we had even met, my husband had a similar affair. I’m 56, he is 59 and we’ve been married for 28 years.
I love him, have a happy life with him and he has always been faithful. But seeing the movie and knowing what he did as a young man suddenly made me question who he was.
If I had known about the affair when we had first met, I would never have got together with him.
You asked me to think about why it was bothering me so much, so many years later. And you pointed out my husband is a good person, who has learned from his mistake.
You also suggested I see a counsellor, and sent me your Counselling and Dealing With Jealousy support packs.
I resolved to put my concerns behind me. I reminded myself how happy my marriage has been.
Since I worked through my feelings about this, I have been sleeping better and enjoying life far more.
Thank you for your wonderful help.
DEIDRE SAYS: Our brains can sometimes trigger uncomfortable memories, which we thought were in the past.
I’m glad you’ve been able to work through your feelings, and hope your marriage continues to be happy.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: NO girl is ever interested in me, and it’s getting me down.
There are so many attractive young women at my university, but they don’t give me a second glance.
I’m 19 and sick of being single. But I don’t have the confidence to chat anyone up, and I know they would reject me if I did.
I’m so lonely and want to be with a pretty girl. Why do other guys have all the luck?
DEIDRE SAYS: It might help to stop thinking of attractive girls as a prize. Plenty of people who aren’t conventionally good looking or super-confident have relationships.
Stop focusing on looks and start thinking about making friends. Then a relationship will likely develop naturally.
Join university social clubs that interest you, where you’ll meet girls you have things in common with. My support pack Shyness And Social Anxiety should help you.
PSYCHOLOGY COURSE HAS TURNED HIM INTO AN IDIOT
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE my husband became a fan of a website that sells courses promoting “high self-esteem”, he has turned into an egotistical maniac.
He claims he is being assertive and confident but he’s actually rude to people, and it’s driving everyone – myself included – away. What can I do?
We’ve been married for ten years and are in our late thirties.
My husband came across this website a few weeks ago. As soon as he saw it, he got really excited and said it was just what he needed. He has been a bit down recently, as his career isn’t going well.
I took a look and it struck me as a load of nonsense based on fake psychology. It was clear the guy running it just wanted to make easy cash. He doesn’t appear to have any qualifications to help people.
But my husband has swallowed everything he says. When we go shopping, he treats the checkout assistants as though they are beneath him.
He acts superior to friends and neighbours. If I express my opinion about something, he tells me I’m wrong and why.
It’s out of character, and I’m concerned.
DEIDRE SAYS: When people feel depressed or that something is missing from their lives, websites like this can seem like a quick, simple fix.
It’s a lot easier than making big life changes or dealing with deep-seated issues.
Your husband has convinced himself this site has solved all his problems, when it has actually created new ones.
Tell him how concerned you are, and that you don’t like the man he’s becoming. Offer to help him find other ways to improve his life.
Show him my support pack Raising Self-esteem, which should help him to do this without being rude or superior to others.
Suggest he speaks to a counsellor about his worries. My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should also help you to grow closer again.
SEX STRESS
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife’s huge sex toy has made me feel inadequate in the bedroom.
She claims I satisfy her, but I know some of her previous partners were much more well-endowed than me, and I’ve begun to feel I’m not enough for her.
We have been married for 20 years and are both in our late forties.
Before we met, she had several other boyfriends, which doesn’t bother me. But she did confess that one of them had an extremely large penis – so big it was painful for them to have sex.
I’m only average-sized, so it bothered me a little, but I put it out of my mind and we have had a very good sex life.
However, a few weeks ago, I was looking for a folder at the back of a bedroom cupboard, when I discovered a large sex toy. It must be eight inches long.
Now I can’t stop thinking about it, and haven’t been able to perform since.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: It may be a cliché, but size really isn’t everything. Try not to worry. If you’ve had a good sex life for two decades, your wife is satisfied.
Sex toys are often very large, but that doesn’t mean a woman wants a penis to match. She is attracted to you – your body, brain and how you make her feel.
What you do with your hands and mouth is just as important as the act of penetration.
Remember, her ex’s big penis actually made sex painful. She wasn’t saying that she wanted bigger, but that it hurt her.
My support packs Penis Size and How To Satisfy A Woman In Bed explain more.