DEAR DEIDRE: DISCOVERING I was pregnant should have been such a happy time – but when I broke the news to my boyfriend, his answer was confusing to say the least.
He’s told me that I must get a termination.
It isn’t the first time this has happened. We’ve been together for three years and I had my first termination two years ago.
The first time wasn’t so bad. Our relationship was new and I was younger.
This time I’m not so sure I want to go along with his wishes.
He has been promising me that he would leave his wife for me.
In fact, last month he told me he just needed to get her birthday out the way then he’d be packing his bags and moving in with me.
So I thought that my pregnancy would be the nudge he needed.
He’s in his early thirties, as is his wife.
But the day he insisted I end my pregnancy, a friend of mine told me that my lover’s wife is expecting their first child in July.
He hadn’t hinted at any of this so the news has left me in shock.
I’m already in my late twenties so if I don’t have children soon, there’s the possibility I might completely miss my chance.
If I don’t go through with this pregnancy I worry that I’ll never have my own children. I feel so let down by him.
I thought we’d be together soon but now it seems that his future is totally hitched to his wife.
I can’t think straight but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to abort my pregnancy. I feel ready to have a baby and be a mum.
He keeps messaging me asking when I’m going to the abortion clinic and I’ve been ignoring him.
I know he’ll turn up on my doorstep soon and demand answers.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: No wonder your mind has been feeling so scrambled.
You have so much going on and all your plans are being turned upside down – several times over.
This is your body and no one has the right to force you to end your pregnancy.
Your boyfriend has been telling you that he would leave his wife for you.
But his actions simply don’t match up and I’m afraid you cannot rely on him.
It’s important to decide what you are doing about your pregnancy, on the basis that if you go ahead you are most likely going to be a single parent.
Even if your boyfriend decides that he doesn’t want to be involved in your child’s life going forward, legally he will need to support your baby financially.
My support pack Unplanned Pregnancy explains where to go to get help .
Another of my packs, Your Lover Not Free?, explains the relationship dynamic that you are in.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
DEATH DROVE US APART
DEAR DEIDRE: THE death of my girlfriend’s mum and her best friend is driving us apart after three wonderful years together.
I’m 31 and my girlfriend’s 27. She’s bottling up her grief and I know she’s struggling.
I’ve tried to help by doing all the chores in the house and taking on other things too, but she won’t talk to me about anything.
All she keeps saying is that she doesn’t want to burden me.
I want to support her, but she won’t open up.
Her sex drive has all but disappeared too but again it’s something she won’t talk about.
She refuses to see anyone despite me suggesting that she talks to her doctor.
I just want her to be back to her normal happy self, but it seems a long way off.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is important that she doesn’t bottle up her feelings of grief.
Pick a moment to talk to her and say that part of loving her is sharing her worries and you want to help her through this.
If she still finds it too hard to talk to you, suggest she contacts Cruse Bereavement Care (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677).
My support pack If She Doesn’t Want Sex should help too.
THREATENING TO SUE ME
DEAR DEIDRE: MY friend wrecked my holiday, but she is the one threatening to sue me for ruining hers.
I’m a 36-year-old married woman. My husband’s 38. We have two children aged seven and five.
I used to work with my friend until I had my second child. We remained friends and get together regularly. She’s 33 and single.
She suggested we go on a short holiday to Italy together and I agreed. My husband stayed behind and looked after the kids.
On the first day I went down to the pool bar but when I got back to our room my friend had gone through all my clothes and laid them out in outfit combinations.
She started to tell me which looks would look best on me and I suspect she’d tried them on also. I couldn’t believe it.
She invaded my personal space, but I decided not to say anything.
I was dumbfounded when she walked down to dinner that evening wearing a pair of my sandals.
Nevertheless, we had a good evening and when I went to give a goodnight hug as we went to bed, she pinned me up against the wall and kissed me.
I’d always known she was gay, but was so surprised when she started begging me to admit I was bisexual. I’m not but when I told her she rushed out and pretty much ignored me for the rest of our stay.
She then sent me a threatening text saying that she was going to sue me for false pretences and a ruined holiday.
DEIDRE SAYS: From what you’ve told me, she doesn’t have any grounds to sue.
She is embarrassed and feels rejected so has gone on the attack to compensate. But it isn’t your fault that she misread the signals.
Politely but firmly tell her you are sorry but there seems to have been a misunderstanding. She needs to know you are not interested due to your commitment to your marriage.
My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help you get your point across and avoid any needless legal dispute.
NOT THE RIGHT MOVE
DEAR DEIDRE: I THOUGHT moving into the same street as my partner was a good idea, but he couldn’t be less enthusiastic if he tried.
I was becoming fed up with the hassle and cost of travelling to visit him every weekend.
I’m 54 and my partner’s 57. We’ve been together for almost two years and are very much in love.
I found a lovely little two-bedroom terrace with a sunny courtyard garden. It’s perfect for me.
My partner doesn’t seem very happy about the move.
I’ve told him that I won’t cramp his style and be at his house all the time, but that didn’t seem to reassure him.
He’s not a philanderer, and I don’t suspect or believe he’s looking for anyone else.
He just laughed at me and was non-committal when I asked him about his lack of enthusiasm.
DEIDRE SAYS: Living apart together is a growing trend where couples in a committed relationship live in separate homes.
But if your partner has been on his own for some time it may have unsettled him to have you living so close.
If he had a previous partner who controlled him, he may worry it will happen again.
Agree boundaries together and assure him that you won’t constantly be on his doorstep.
