SPARE a thought for “disgraced Hollywood actor Mickey Rourke”.
A small fortune he’s wasted on cosmetic procedures and still he looks like Mick Miller’s stuntman.
8
8
8
Yet, in his own punch-drunk head, he probably thought he was the only show in town.
Until the moment Mickey walked into ITV’s Celebrity Big Brother house and discovered he was wearing merely the third most ridiculous wig in the room, some way behind a bloke called “Danny Beard”, who ridicules women for a living, and former MP Michael Fabricant, who appeared to have a harvest festival on top of his head.
And what’s more, the pair of them were doing a conga with Chesney Hawkes, Daley Thompson and Bianca off EastEnders.
In his jet-lagged state, it must have been disorientating, to say the least, and also a tribute to the show’s bookers, who’ve done a sterling job assembling some of the most attention-seeking oddballs and narcissists on the planet, who include Angellica Bell, internet show-off Jojo Siwa and Trisha Goddard, who cannot stop boasting about her career or fretting about her unpopularity but is seemingly incapable of drawing a link between the two.
As hard as they’ve all tried, though, it was The Mickey Rourke Show, pretty much from the moment he made AJ Odudu’s flesh crawl on day one.
The uncomfortable start to a box-to-box performance which involved the actor committing every sin against political correctness available, from using the wrong pronouns and “discriminatory language” with Danny and JoJo, to making Patsy Palmer cry by pointing out “You can’t cook” and reducing Donna Preston to an emotional wreck by simply telling her: “You are what you eat.”
The same Donna Preston, incidentally, who once released a single titled Fat’ll Do Nicely, so I’m struggling to believe she was anything like as shocked as she claimed by Mickey’s language.
As tactless and oafish as Rourke might have been, though, it was mesmerising to watch and he was nothing like as unforgivably calculating and unpleasant as Trisha Goddard, who attempted to get Michael Fabricant in as much serious trouble as she could by accusing him of “Islamophobia” when all he’d actually said was “When in Rome, do as the Romans”, during Friday’s power cut speech challenge.
Rourke was also fantastically dismissive of every other housemate, except Daley Thompson and probably, pound for pound, has been the most captivating CBB presence since Jackie Stallone appeared 20 years ago.
I was more than prepared, then, for it to be a disappointingly brief stay and had assumed the actor would simply tire of the other housemates and leap over the wall to freedom. In the event, I’m afraid, his exit was a little more undignified.
The Oscar-nominated star threatened Love Island’s Chris Hughes for giving him a sideways look, called him a “c***” and said: “Your ass will be right there in a second,” while dressed as a pirate for the shopping task.
That is to say, just as ITV almost certainly hoped when they booked him, Mickey Rourke had behaved exactly like Mickey Rourke.
With the correct response, in such circumstances, being to make him walk the comedy plank, straight into the Jacuzzi, for added indignity.
Instead, ITV hasn’t just booted him off the show, it’s attempted to slash his fee from £500,000 to just 50 grand as well.
You’d hope their hypocritical indignation is met with a hefty lawsuit from Mickey’s “guys”, because someone needs to spell out the financially painful truth to ITV, which has been suffering a terrible identity crisis for a few years now.
It clearly fancies itself as a youthful, edgy, risk-taking left-field TV network. But it’s not.
It’s IT-bloody-V, a main- stream commercial channel which is far too uptight to be entertaining a loose cannon like Mickey Rourke or Celebrity Big Brother, a busted flush of a Channel 4 show where there’s now only one question to answer.
Who wins? Dullness wins, every single time.
8
8
‘WOKE’ UP CALL FOR ITV
8
THE Cancellation Of Benny Hill was a refreshingly even-handed look at the comedian’s brutally ended career, which came to a less-than-surprising conclusion about his legendary ITV series.
A show made in the 1970s and ’80s, most of its talking heads reckoned, was “dated” and “sexist”.
An accusation a C5 documentary could also level at Monty Python or Alas Smith & Jones, but never does as they’re all “nice” middle-class boys who went to Oxbridge and the industry instinctively regards them as “one of us”.
They missed the real point, though. Benny’s axing wasn’t the beginning of a bright new comedy dawn.
It was the start of a savage and ongoing woke crackdown against anyone and anything that doesn’t toe the political line.
For if they can’t get you on straightforward racism, sexism or homophobia, they’ll now vanish you for the wholly invented modern crimes of triggering, bullying, microaggressions, punching down or simply being too white, straight and male.
So ruthless has this process been, ITV – once home to Benny, Rising Damp, TV Burp and Auf Wiedersehen, Pet – no longer has any fully functioning comedy shows and the only one still likely to raise a proper laugh on the BBC is Would I Lie To You?
But once that’s gone the same way? TV executives will survey the bland, joyless, witless, Guardian-grey world they’ve created and with a sigh of genuine self-satisfaction say: “Yes, but isn’t it diverse.”
Nice work, morons.
INCIDENTALLY, Re: Britain’s Got Talent, The Hacker: “Simon Cowell, write down the first word that comes to you.”
Did anyone else involuntarily feel compelled to scribble: “Gland?”
CELEBRITY Big Brother, Friday: “Housemates are celebrating Angellica Bell’s 25th anniversary as a television presenter.”
Why?
UNEXPECTED MORONS IN THE BAGGING AREA
THE Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In maths, what is eight divided by four?”
Konan: “Four.”
Romesh: “In customs, the expression ‘many happy returns’ is typically used on what occasion?”
Konan: “Christmas.”
Romesh: “In quotations, artist Andy Warhol is said to have predicted that everybody will be famous for how many minutes?”
Chris Harris: “Thirty seconds.”
The Finish Line, Roman Kemp: “The tale of Red Riding Hood features what canine animal?”
Paul: “Horse.”
RANDOM TV IRRITATIONS
THE BBC allowing that odious little creep Sadiq Khan to gatecrash the Boat Race.
BBC One neutering the once brutal and unmissable Apprentice interviews to spare the contestants’ precious feelings.
Mastermind allowing LL Cool J as a semi-final specialist subject.
And yet another anonymous magician, on Britain’s Got Talent, called The Hacker asking viewers to: “Guess the object Simon Cowell’s put in everyone’s head.”
It’s a blunt one, right . . .?
LOOKALIKE OF THE WEEK
8
THIS week’s winner is Wallace, from Wallace And Gromit, and Ian Hislop, who now permanently wears the expression of a man who longs to be told: “Oh Ian, it must be so tiring being right all the time.”
Sent in by Oliver Greenhalgh, of Weymouth, Dorset.
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the week.
Celebrity Big Brother, Danny Beard: “Sorry to make this about myself.”
The Boat Race, Clare Balding: “If anyone at home isn’t crying, you’re made of steel.”
And Prue Leith’s Cotswold Kitchen, Charlotte Church: “I am deeply in love with humanity.”
Except of course Israel, which, in common with every other gobby, left- wing crackpot, Charlotte wants to eliminate, “from the river to the sea”.
PRUE Leith’s Cotswold Kitchen, Prue: “Tell us about your wellness retreat.”
Charlotte Church: “Some people find it really difficult to switch off.”
Click.
And some don’t.
GREAT SPORTING INSIGHTS
CHETAN PATHAK: “It’s a matter of when rather than if, of course, if Celtic win the title.”
Kelly Cates: “Villa will be looking to send a massage to the top four.”
And Paul Merson on Declan Rice: “You know how good someone is when you never mention how much he cost, and he cost £100million.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray and Ian Marland)
TV GOLD
8
BBC One’s Kinahan: The True Story Of Ireland’s Mafia.
Episode three of Tribe With Bruce Parry on BBC Two featuring Indonesia’s Marapu people, who demand the dead live among their people – like EastEnders with more animal sacrifices.
Celebrity Aberdeen fan Rory McIlroy winning the Masters (don’t question it).
Busta Rhymes paying homage on The Cancellation of Benny Hill: “I don’t think anybody is as funny or charismatic as Benny Hill.”
And Mickey Rourke, who for six unforgettable nights made ITV’s Celebrity Big Brother watchable again and summed up the format better than any previous contestant: “Just standing around doing stupid s**t.”