SNAIL caviar, pig uterus and crispy fried squirrel – welcome to the madcap menu that Jeremy Clarkson says is the future.
I was one of 100 diners at his Farmer’s Dog pub in the Cotswolds to sample a 14-course, £85-a-head tasting menu.
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And if the 65-year-old Clarkson’s Farm star is to be believed, we were witnessing the start of a very quiet revolution.
The assembled group had come from all over the country to see if we really could replace highly priced quality meat with decent, cheap options and swerve a sentence Jeremy deems worse than prison — “a life of vegetarianism”.
So instead of his usual pub grub — steak pie, sausages and a cheeseboard — we were offered enticing alternatives including lamb’s brain on toast.
The Sun columnist revealed last month that white “snail caviar” eggs were his weight-loss secret after Ozempic jabs made him sick.
Each egg made an uneasy popping sound as I chomped down on them.
But, eventually, I managed to swallow.
Though they were not quite to my taste, Clarkson’s TV farmer sidekick Kaleb Cooper loved them, polishing off a six-person portion to himself.
‘I’m sorry for the squirrel’
Jeremy told The Sun: “I sat with Kaleb, and the amount of things you’ve never eaten before, the snails, for example, he ate them all.”
The caviar was served alongside chewy snails, which, coated in a rich garlic butter, slipped down much more easily.
Another of the starters — cow’s stomach lining, or tripe — was just as chewy as Jeremy had promised.
But a unique after-taste of sour milk and onions filled my mouth, and I wondered if our host’s claim that we could all be eating this sort of gruel going forward was a realistic statement — or just classic Clarkson.
But we were saved by the main course menu, which boasted a hearty rabbit pie, served alongside lamb’s brain and stuffed lamb’s heart.
The brain, which was spread thinly across a slice of bread, had a rich, almost cream-like flavour.
And the lamb’s heart was a raging success — it was so tender, that it was nearly in-distinguishable from a prime bit of lamb shank.
Maybe there was method to Jeremy’s madness after all.
Top farm shops sell their offal for a significant discount on the best cuts, and with the right stuffing, the chefs at the Farmer’s Dog made a £2.50 lamb’s heart taste like a £25 restaurant meal.
But the fried squirrel, served in a crispy batter, was far less popular.
After a good 30 seconds of trying to stomach it, the horrid stench of manure overcame my nose and I was forced to spit it out.
Even Jeremy was not a fan.
He told me: “The squirrel has developed a way of protecting itself, which is to taste like manure, so nobody wants to eat it.
“I’m sorry for the squirrel.
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The chefs also plated up hot pig’s ears alongside another lesser-eaten part of the animal — its uterus.
This was about as far from a sausage sandwich as you can get.
The ears were like warm pork scratchings, and the fatty filling paired well with the crunchy skin.
And when I went back in for seconds, I found the rest of the plate had already been nabbed by other, more enthusiastic diners.
So I turned to the pig uterus.
But that threw all of us off, with staff forced to hand out extra napkins as many punters spat out the off-cut and chucked it straight in the bin.
Meanwhile, diner Ashton James was left retching after trying sweetbreads made from veal glands.
HOW DID IT ALL GO DOWN?
STARTERS
Cotswold snail caviar and snails: The snails were Kaleb Cooper’s favourite dish of the evening, and the caviar is Jeremy’s weight-loss hack. Snails came with an excellent garlic butter.
Taste rating: 4/5
Crispy fried squirrel: KFC need not worry about this rival. There was not enough meat on the bone – and it was never clear exactly where the squirrels had come from!
1/5
Crispy fried pig uterus: Very strange texture, and once you got over where it came from, it still only tasted a little bit like pork. Wouldn’t try again.
2/5
Pig’s ears: Like hot pork scratchings, these were a surprise hit and were quickly snapped up by guests. Would make a great pub snack.
5/5
MAINS
Lamb’s brain: Spread thinly over bread, this is a rich delicacy which tastes slightly like warm herbal butter. It’s not for everyone, but it was fascinating to try.
3/5
Stuffed whole lamb’s heart: Delicate, tender meat with a herbal stuffing. Something I would order again in a, er, heartbeat.
5/5
Cotswold haggis: This offal, with all the right seasonings and the proper amount of fat, went down a treat, and could easily be served on the pub’s regular menu.
5/5
Rabbit pie: Another dish that could be a regular at any pub, this was served beneath crispy puff pastry, with copious amounts of filling and a gloriously creamy sauce. I’d never had it before, but definitely would again.
4/5
Call-an-ambulance chilli sauce: Left me downing glasses of milk and questioning most of my life choices.
0/5
Traditional tripe and onions in milk: Stomach lining is notoriously chewy, and this was no exception. This dish was barely touched.
1/5
Veal sweetbreads: Jeremy warned guests they’d have to remind themselves they weren’t eating phlegm, and I can see why. This was such an alien texture.
1/5
Lamb’s kidneys: Too slimy and tasteless without any sauce. Parts of them were very chewy.
2/5
DESSERT
Whipped animal fat, berries and snow: The only similarity to ice cream is that it’s served in scoops. Stodgy, but with fresh berries and a crunchy biscuit, it was sweet enough to pass as a dessert. The Canadian dish is typically served with fresh snow, which might make it work better.
3/5
He said: “I was trying to get it down.
“I was determined to eat it but it wasn’t going to work.
“I had to run outside to get it out.”
Clarkson superfans David Cowell, 47, and his son Sam, 13, drove three hours from Derbyshire to join the event.
‘Meat becoming luxury item’
Car decorator David said: “It’s been a great experience.
“I liked the steak tartare, and the rabbit pie was excellent.
“The squirrel wasn’t very good.
“It was too difficult to cut into, and there was very little meat on the bone.
“It was well worth coming to try it, but I don’t think KFC will have anything to worry about.”
The success of most of the main dishes prompted Jeremy to reveal he was considering adding one to the menu full-time.
He said: “We were just discussing it.
“I like the brains, but it might be a step too far.
“We think braised heart would work.
“The heart tastes like meat.
“It’s just meat with stuffing.
“I genuinely liked the lamb’s brains.”
Although it was a hugely fun night out, the topic Jeremy wants to focus on is, by contrast, deadly serious.
In January, the retail consultancy group Kantar found the cost of beef had risen seven per cent year on year.
Butchers and farmers have warned their margins are becoming too thin to operate, while many more are simply shutting down.
Since 2005, the size of English beef breeding herds has fallen by nearly a fifth.
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And another five per cent decline is expected by the end of this year.
Hard-up farmers have also been hit by changes to inheritance tax rules, making it far harder for family-run businesses to pass their land between generations.
Scottish butcher Jock Gibson previously warned he was “not sure if the consumer is up for” paying higher prices for British meat when importing is often considerably cheaper.
‘A lot of things you wouldn’t ordinarily eat’
If beef prices were to rise by half, a typical supermarket sirloin steak would jump from £28 per kg to £42.
Weekend deals, such as two steaks for £10, would jump to £15, which could see customers turning to other meal options.
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? presenter Jeremy, who only sells British produce, told The Sun: “Meat’s expensive and it’s becoming a luxury item.
“So you think, ‘Are there parts of an animal you can eat, like the brains, the stomach lining, the heart?’.
“There are a lot of things you wouldn’t ordinarily eat, and then you try them and go, actually, ‘A leg of lamb is £40, but I can go and buy some of the other bits for £5’.
“You’re still getting the protein.
“You’re not condemned to a life of vegetarianism.”
- Clarkson’s Farm series four airs on Amazon Prime from May 23.