When the idea first got floated to one of the Naval officers, his initial reaction was “no, bad.”
It “would be awesome,” his wingman told him, egging the pilot on from inside the cockpit of their EA-18G aircraft. “You should totally try.”
The plan of attack: Erect a giant “sky penis” over the state of Washington using their plane’s contrails.
“I could definitely draw one, that would be easy,” the pilot bragged, according to a transcript of the jet’s flight recording system, which was obtained by The Navy Times.
“I could basically draw a figure eight and turn around and come back,” he said. “I’m gonna go down, grab some speed and hopefully get out of the contrail layer so they’re not connected to each other.”
Flying alongside another Navy crew under the name “Zapper 21,” the pilot and his cockpit partner worked hard to get their mile-high masterpiece just right.
“Balls are going to be a little lopsided,” the pilot advised, according to the Times.
“Balls are complete,” he said, just moments later. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky that day.
“Which way is the shaft going?” the pilot’s partner, an electronic warfare officer, reportedly asked at one point.
“The shaft will go to the left,” the pilot said.
“It’s gonna be a wide shaft,” replied the EWO.
“I don’t wanna make it just like 3 balls,” the pilot said.
“Let’s do it,” the EWO answered. “Oh, the head of that penis is going to be thick.”
Cracking up in the cockpit with his partner, the pilot shot back: “Some like Chinese weather satellite right now that’s like, ‘what the (expletive)?’”
Reports later revealed that the contrails could be seen from miles away — with one Washington state mother snapping pictures and sending them into a local television station.
“To get out of this, I’m gonna go like down and to the right and we’ll come back up over the top and try to take a look at it,” the pilot told his wingman while they were still in the air.
“I have a feeling the balls will have dissipated by then,” the EWO said.
“It’s possible,” the pilot replied.
After flying away to a distance where the phallus could be observed, the pilot reportedly told his partner: “This is so obvious.”
“That’s a (expletive),” the EWO said. “Dude, I’m amazed that this stayed.”
The Navy crew that was flying alongside the duo that day was also impressed.
“Your artwork is amazing,” said the lieutenant commander EWO on the other jet.
“Glad you guys noticed,” the pilot responded.
Once back down on the ground and scolded, he released a statement explaining that he and his partner “realized the extent” of their actions and apologized, as did the EWO.
“The contrails were remaining longer than predicted,” the pilot said. “I remarked that we needed to take steps to try to obfuscate it. I flew one pass over it essentially trying to scribble it out with my contrails. That pass was ineffective.”
Navy officials were initially upset about the incident and claimed there would be a disciplinary hearing, but they wound up only recommending “non-punitive letters of instruction.”
“While the sky writing conducted by (the lieutenants) was crude, immature, and unprofessional, it was not premeditated or planned and not in keeping with their character demonstrated prior to the incident,” officials said, according to the Times.
“Even so, it has caused the United States Navy severe embarrassment in the public arena and jeopardizes the strategic narrative that underpins the justification of the flight hour program. Additionally, the absence of relevant, effective, professional training highlighted by the sophomoric sky drawing indicates a potential waste and misuse of government resources.”