Dear Eric: The last four years of my father’s life, I was a near constant caregiver. I visited him daily, did his lawn work, took him to doctor’s appointments, to the barber, occasionally to dinner or a movie. I always took care of his finances and medications.
He would call me as many as 10 or 15 times a day about various things or just to talk.
After he died about a year ago, I have been overcome with guilt. There were times when his constant needs overtook my life. I had no social outlet of my own. I didn’t even travel because I was so concerned about what would happen if I was gone.
I didn’t handle this pressure well and would occasionally lash out in anger at my father. A week before he died, I made him cry. I live each day now with a regret I cannot seem to shake. I visit his grave every week and ask for forgiveness.
I can tell myself that if I had not been able to help him, he would not have been able to stay in his home, something he desperately wanted to do until the end. Others have commented on my sacrifices for my father. But I still have this feeling that I was a bad son, and it weighs down on all aspects of my life now. I’ve become isolated in my guilt and grief. I don’t know what I need to do to once again find joy.
– Still Grieving
Dear Still Grieving: My heart aches for you. There’s no perfect caregiver; there’s no perfect son; there’s no perfect grief.
With time, try to offer yourself forgiveness. Because it sounds like, even with the moments of frustration or fatigue, your father didn’t see you as a bad son. When faced with the uncontrollable – the illness of loved ones, our inability to stop death – we often hyperfocus on what we think we can control. But, by your own account, you did the best you could, and your father’s quality of life was better because of it.
If you can, please work with a grief counselor to process these feelings. Keep talking to those you trust, who can listen without judgment and without trying to rush you. As Megan Devine writes in her book “It’s OK That You’re Not OK”, “Unacknowledged and unheard pain doesn’t go away. The way to survive grief is by allowing pain to exist, not in trying to cover it up or rush through it.”
A grief support group will also be beneficial. The Family Caregiver Alliance (caregiver.org) is one place to look for groups and other resources. Lastly, I recommend the books “After Caregiving Ends” by Denise M. Brown and the new collection by storyteller Vignette Fleury, “Sacred Love: Vignettes on Caregiving and Family”. This is not forever. I wish you peace.
Dear Eric: I am a 72-year-old woman who lives alone. I live in a one-story, two-bedroom condo. The mortgage is paid off. I don’t have any family here. I am also divorced. I have cousins who live in another state, and I haven’t seen them in many years. I am the youngest cousin.
So, I am thinking about my end-of-life plans. I don’t have any serious health problems, but I am not totally healthy. I have two friends who have been here for me for many years. However, I am hesitant to ask one of them to be my power of attorney.
They want to help me make my end-of-life plans and decide what to do if I can no longer live alone. There is nobody else I can ask to be my POA. Any advice you can give me would be appreciated.
– Plan Hesitation
Dear Plan: If your friends have expressed a desire to help you, please take them up on it. One of the privileges of enduring friendship is that it allows us to see each other through the various stages of life. Your friends have been there for you in good times and in times of need, as surely as you have been for them. Think of this as another way that you can all affirm your bond.
If you’re worried about it being an imposition, don’t be afraid to share that with your friends as well. This is a vulnerable ask and it’s OK to have complicated feelings about it. You may be surprised to find they don’t feel it’s an imposition at all.
If you haven’t already, you may also want to talk with a lawyer about what the responsibilities of power of attorney might look like in your case. From your letter, it doesn’t seem like you need a POA at the moment, so this would be more of a hypothetical or preliminary conversation. Thinking through the specifics of what you’re asking may make it easier.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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