At first, it seemed obvious. Starmer was playing exactly the same role that Tony Blair did in the 1990s. His job was to sweep out the Corbynite left and make voters feel it was safe to elect a Labour government again.
And that’s what he did, with impressive ruthlessness. Exactly as Blair had done before him. And he got his reward by sweeping to power in July.
Which is when it all went wrong.
Having made Labour electable again – albeit with fewer votes than former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn mustered in 2017 – Starmer has worked flat out to make sure Labour won’t win power for a generation.
In a matter of weeks, Starmer has managed to annoy every single type of voter, whether left, right or somewhere in between.
He has united the country, across the political spectrum. That’s an incredible achievement in these fractious times.
Labour is now just 1% ahead of the Conservative Party is in the polls, and we know how much the country hates the Tories.
It’s a stunning achievement. He can’t have done this by accident. It must be by design.
Starmer and chancellor Rachel Reeves have enraged pensioners by snatching their Winter Fuel Payment and threatening them with every type of tax.
They’ve frightened the life out of business, stalling the economy in the process.
And they’ve infuriated trade unionists and the Corbynite left, by refusing to axe the two-child benefit cap.
Just to make sure, they’ve besmirched the Labour brand by grabbing every freebie they can.
It’s a chaotic start but I’m beginning to think it’s all part of a brilliantly cunning plan. To discredit the Labour Party and make voters long for the Tories again.
Think about it.
Starmer and Reeves’ serial ineptitude is making former PM Rishi Sunak and chancellor Jeremy Hunt look statesmanlike by comparison.
Labour’s woes are distracting the country from the Conservative Party’s leadership campaign. Given the low quality of the candidates, that can only be good for the Tories.
Also, Starmer is clearly a clever man. He’s had a brilliant career. He can’t really be this useless, can he? Of course not.
My theory is that in fact he’s a Tory sleeper agent, planted in Labour to create maximum havoc.
If I’m right, he’s done a stunning job. A few more weeks of this, and Labour will be trailing the Tory party in the polls.
After five years, the country will be gagging to vote for whoever the Tories install as leader.
And they won’t vote Labour for a generation.
Planting Starmer in the Labour Party was a brilliant move. It’s paying off in spades.
I’m just doubtful about one thing. I can’t quite believe the Tories are competent enough to have come up with such a brilliant masterplan.
But how else can we explain Starmer? His job is to destroy Labour and he’s done it in record time.
